5 Reasons Working For A Gas Station Will Destroy You

        

          Unfortunately for us, we are living in a time when gas prices are so astronomical, that selling our own blood on the black market is how some of us are able to get from Point A to Point B.  I see it every day because until this blog takes off and I become Oprah rich, I will be standing behind the counter of the local Shell station making my bones.  I wish I could say that it is an ordinary gig, but I truly see things I never would have expected working for a gas station.  Maybe it's because I live in a poedunk town in east bumfuck Vermont, but I have seen stuff in this last year working for a gas station that I didn't even think happened in real life.  It's the kind of stuff that will destroy your sanity if you stare at it for two long.  Such as:

#5: Customers That You Wish You Had Never Met, But Will Unfortunately Never Forget

   In any form of retail, you come face to face with what will probably be the most miserable batches of people you'll ever meet in your life.  There is always the mother that is trying to buy whatever she needs, while her misbehaving children are running around the stores knocking everything over while she dilly-dallies without even turning around to notice.  Until she finally realizes her children are tearing apart whatever establishment she may be in, and then she screams at them and you are faced to deal with the awkward aftermath of what is probably just a prelude to the ass beating that kid will get the minute they walk out the store.  Because some parents are douchebags like that.

"I told you not to touch the Skittles, Davey! That will be 

40 Licks."

       Then you have the drunks who stumble out of the bar at 2am looking for coffee and chocolate to curb their appetite before they go home with some random person for a night of drunken coitus and potentially contracting the Blue Waffle Disease.  I wish I could say that I wasn't standing behind the counter as I watched people come up to it making out, getting their vodka based saliva all over each other.  It's times like those where the last thing I wanna do at the end of the day is either participate in adult friendly games, or drink at all because the site of a drunk couple about to shmoosh kills the mood for like a week.  So, if you could not molest each other at the counter, that would be great.

Some things should be left behind closed doors

#4: How Reading Signs is Too Difficult, Yet It Is Always Your Fault

    This just happened to me today actually.  We ran out of gas.  Yes, gas stations are likely to run out of gas from time to time.  It really isn't that big of a deal, as long as you live in a town with more than one gas station, which in Vermont that is very seldom.  Luckily for the area I live in, there are umteen other stations that you can fill up at.  

      As I was hanging the "V-Power Only" (because we were out of unleaded), on every pump, I had numerous people asking me if all the pumps were out of gas.  It was one of those times when I wish my wit got the best of me, or I could be a bitch because it's when people ask stupid questions like that that I just wanna pimp slap them.  No, just every pump you want to use is out of gas because they don't like your kind with your Prius with it's ironic vanity license plate.  

    

At least Disney got one thing right...

    Or when we need to bolt one door shut and there is a sign on the door that says Please Use Other Door, and they try valiantly to open said door for 10 seconds before noticing that there is a sign.  Yeah, good job people.  And you wonder why I'm standing there laughing at you.  

I've seen this happen too.

# 3: Everything is Always Your Fault, Even When You Don't Know What You're Being Yelled At For...

    

    It is not my fault that cigarettes are $9.54 a pack at my work.  As a smoker myself, I even think that that price is bullshit.  Can I help it?  No.  It is because I am just a peon.  I do not make the prices.  I just sell the goods.  Cashier is my title.  Can't help you.  Sorry.  

     Now, unfortunately I cannot say that to people when they get into my face because a pack of smokes costs as much as a top shelf shot of liquor.  So when people start yelling at me for it, I have to contain a composure that keeps me from climbing over the counter and smacking the bejesus out of them.

Because this facial expression will get me nowhere...

      Or when we run out of gas, like today, and it is your fault because you are the only person they can blame it on.  Shit happens.  There are some things that cannot be controlled.  How quickly we go through gas is one of them.  Today was an exception because we were a few cents cheaper than across the street which is our biggest competitor.  But yelling at the cashier because the store is out of gas (something they have NO control over fyi) gets you nowhere.  

#2: People Who Drive Off Without Paying

    Very few gas stations nowadays do not require you to prepay before getting gas and it's because of situations like this.  Prepaying for gas eliminates the risk of some tool coming and pumping $70 worth of gas then driving away.  My personal opinion is that if the store will not have a prepay policy, there should be a camera system set up to monitor the pumps because when only one person is on duty, you can't keep tabs on everyone.  Then you get written up for when people drive off.

     Seriously, I understand that prices of gas are becoming atrocious.  But just put in only $5 if that's all you have.  The costs of legal crap you will have to pay out when you get arrested for stealing gasoline is about 15 times more than what you would have paid to fill your tank on empty.  Is it really worth the risk?  Or just take the economical route and bicycle everywhere.

He knows what's up.

    Nobody is honest in this society anymore.  It is very rare that you will find someone who will come back and say, "Hey, I'm sorry I got distracted talking to that person and I forgot to come in and pay you for gas.  Here's my $35.01"  I give a huge applause and express my gratitude to people like that because they just completely went out of their way to fess up to an honest mistake.  Bravo good Samaritan! 

#1: The Gross People

    A few times a week, the local homeless people (or they are just sick, I'm not sure) will come to the store and will dig through the ashtrays for cigarette butts that others have left behind that haven't fully be smoked.  Every time I see them dig for a Marlboro that I smoked a week ago and through into the ashtray, I want to vomit.  The smell of a cigarette relit is enough for me to gag, let alone the thought of smoking a cigarette left by someone who could be carrying AIDS or mouth herpes.  

     But then there are the female customers that come in and will be wearing clothing that makes you wonder what time dimension they woke up in thinking they looked hot going out of the house.  Like this:

This should be illegal...

    Or there are people who come in and buy beer and will sneak them into the back parking lot or even the bathroom and chug a beer before heading back to work.  I mean, one day I went into our bathroom and there were 24 oz cans of Twisted Tea all up in in the ceiling tiles.  Curb your alcoholism people.

    Speaking of bathroom, please think twice before you defecate in a gas station bathroom.  Would you leave your smelly poo just chilling in your toilet bowl at your house?  No, at least I would like to hope not.  There is nothing worse about working at a gas station as a cashier as walking into the only bathroom which is unisex to find a massive pile of dookie just floating in the toilet.  Clean up your shit.  It's not that hard and it's just polite.  

A clean toilet is a happy toilet

   Yes, it does take all kinds to make this lovely little world go round.  I'm not planning to be a gas station attendant forever as stated previously.  But I am always full of interesting stories when it comes to that place.  Although I don't think that any night will be completely epic until I come across this scenario one night.

Would you like fries with that?

T.

The Pinocchio Syndrome: Why My Love Life Is Doomed

    As a female, I can honestly say that women are attracted to certain type of guy based on their particular preference.  Some enjoy the company of the beefcakey man that can squish the smaller guys with their thumb.  Some like the submissive guy that they can just beat the hell out of with their rolling pin for leaving their Heineken on the coffee table without a coaster.
     Then there are those of us who have been cursed with a type that really is a kick in the lady business.  Sometimes it is girls who are attracted to only the bad boys.  And by bad boys, I mean the ones that are in and out of jail every year for some stupid crime.  My cursed type is apparently liars and I have called this awful disease of attracting them, Pinocchio Syndrome.

Thankfully none of my Pinocchios had a boner as a nose.

      Symptoms of the Pinocchio Syndrome are easy to pinpoint.  If you have dated three or more liars consecutively since you began dating and just can't escape them, you have it.  It happens to a lot more women than we would like to think.  Although it is probably better to be lied to about whether or not your boyfriend gave your dad your laptop and told him it was his (true story), than date a crazed psychopath like Charlie Sheen.

Losing!!!

      A little white lie here and there that is innocent enough to the point where when you find out the truth, you won't be pissed is one thing.  For example, your man says he took out the garbage three hours ago but when you see he didn't his excuse was that he got tied up watching the game.  He was really watching Skinamax and playing with himself, just to let you know.  

       Detection can be very difficult.  If the man has the perfect amount of swagger and you are just naive enough to fall for his bullshit games, it is very easy to be fooled.  I am that naive girl.   I will believe everything and anything until I catch you lying to me once.  Which is a lot better than what I used to be.  I spent three years with a Pinocchio and almost married him because I just kept letting it brush off my shoulder.  Now you get three strike outs with me.  If you fess up to lying to me, then you will be saved but if I catch you lie to me three times over something major, you'll be lucky if I don't use your balls as an example trophy. 

It will be kinda like this, only not pixelized for viewer's protection.

         It really isn't that hard to tell the truth, men I promise.  Stop lying to women, because women are crazy and before you know it, you're junk will end up like the above pictures.  Most women are very low maintenance in ground rules.  Definitely don't cheat on them, and just be honest.  

      I tell you, my awesome fanbase, if I keep attracting these douchebags and they don't change I may just give up all together.  I have enough conceited confidence in myself to know that I can snag a guy.  But I want to find the right guy.  Life is too short to waste time on assholes.  

     But this particular article was to moreso prove a point than entertain.  But an actual normal article will be up tomorrow night.  And remember ladies, Pinocchio Syndrome is treatable regardless of how undetectable it is in the beginning.  You don't wanna end up with this cake after marrying a Pinocchio.

"Last one standing gets the Megamillions"

T.

If Twilight Didn't Involve Bella

    

      Before I completely jump into this article, I just wanna go on the record and say that I absolutely love Kristen Stewart.  I think she is a beautiful girl and for the most part a talented actress.  I mean, did you see The Runaways?  She portrayed Joan Jett extremely well.  Well enough to the point where Joan freakin' Jett herself was baffled by her performance.  If you need further convincing, take this:

 Badass...

      But then Hollywood got graced with the mega cult catastrophe known as The Twilight Saga.   For all of you that have not seen it, or that have lived in a cave for the last seven years, Twilight tells the story of Bella Swan, a plain Jane and whine ass who is absolutely and irrevocably in love with a vampire named Edward.  Unlike normal vampire mythology, the sun doesn't make Edward or the rest of the vampires go POOF!  Instead, they glitter.  Yes, glitter.  

They also have a superpower where "I'm Too Sexy (For My Shirt)"by 

Right Said Fred always plays when they are around.

        Aside from the power couple, there is a werewolf named Jacob who is in love with Bella as well and utterly despises Edward because Bella would rather bang a walking dead disco ball instead of a ripped dog she may get the occasional hairball from. Not to mention the werewolves and the vampires hate each other.

'Nuff Said...

         Getting back to the Kristen Stewart issue.  In every other performance that she gives, she is fantastic.  But for some reason, her acting in Twilight just doesn't cut it.  She stammers a lot, and maybe it's because her boyfriend's skin blinds her, but she squints a lot.  Not to mention, she is as gloomy and emo as the town she lives in all the time.

""Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-... That's all, Ed."

    So let's get a little on the crazy side and take Bella out of Twilight all together.  Not just in the movies, but also in the books as well.  Let's say Stephanie Meyer didn't write Twilight as a modern day, fantasy driven adaptation of Romeo & Juliet.  What would be left?  War, hatred, violence, death (even to those undead), victory and defeat.  It's like the ultimate male's wet dream in fiction!  

     You would have the Cullens and the Fork Wolf Pack duking it out over who is more badass, and who looks better with their shirts off.  Heads would roll and vampires would be torn to shreds so that their little glittery limbs could be dinner for Jacob and his family.  

"I bet you'd taste good with Ketchup"

     We wouldn't have to sit through two hours of a chick, albeit extremely pretty, bitching and moaning about how she cannot choose between the tanned and extremely ripped Taylor Lautner, or the greasy and unclean Robert Pattinson.  Instead we as women would just have eye candy, but the men would just have violence and death.

      I remember when my friend and I went to go see New Moon on opening night.  It was supposed to be just us girls, but she brought her fiancee with her.  He was completely miserable the entire time.  In fact, at one point during the movie, as my female friend is digging her nails into me when Jacob rips off his shirt, I got a text from her fiancee two chairs away saying, "I fucking hate you."  Yup, and I looked at him and smiled with glee as I imagined the pain he was going through watching this chick flick.

This was pretty much the reaction I got...

     So yes, if we took Bella out of Twilight then we would have a movie that both of us would love.  The girls would be able to oogle the abs and the guys would love the violence.  I have had this conversation with many of my male friends who are pop culture savvy and they all said that they would actually go and see Twilight if they took the love story out of it.  But where would be be able to put Kristen Stewart? 

Much better, Kristen.

     

                                                                      -T.

Cover Up If You Want the Crown

    I never went to my senior prom.  I cannot neccesarily say that I regret that decision either.  I went to a school with only 250 some odd kids in it, with about forty kids in the graduating classes every year.  Prom is like the Fashion Police, except you don't have Joan Rivers telling you about how fat you look in your little black dress.

You may be fat, but she is a 1,000 year old science experiment

    It happens every year.  The teenage girls go on this crazy rush to snag the most beautiful prom dress before their rival nominee for Prom Queen gets to it.  It's one thing to have a dress the same color as another girl, but it is "social suicide" to have the exact same dress as another girl.  Especially if your school's Prom Queen is based on "best dressed" and not who the biggest bitch in the school is, also known as Most Popular.  Luckily my high school did their Prom Court dependent on who was dressed the best, and not who was the most popular.  Even the ugliest of ducks can turn into beautiful swans.  

Exhibit A: The Winner of The Swan before and after

   In a society where fashion and looks are everything, high school has become an epic bloodbath of labels and who has better couture.  Prom fuels that even more.  Christ forbid if a girl comes to the prom in a dress her mother made her because her family cannot afford a fancy dress.  She just wants to look pretty for one night and fit in, but she gets labeled as poor because her dress wasn't hand stitched by a bunch of Chinese infants in some sweat shop.  Sometimes, parents who hand stitch their children's prom dresses have such exquisite talent that the dress they have made is 1,000 times better than a dress that the other girls have gotten at a prom dress store like Deb. Or even more, vintage is back in.  What was cool in the 1950's is making a comeback in formal attire nowadays.  So even a hand-me-down could make a fashionable statement and still kick your $350 prom dress's tits in the dirt.

Bet you'd piss yourselves if you found out this 

was her grandmother's dress just modernized.

     When I have children, I fear about the day their prom comes up because now dresses have to be more revealing than ever.  The entire reason as to why this is my next topic for Umm, About That... is because I saw an article on Yahoo! News about how schools are FIGHTING against provocative dresses.  It's bad enough that I see teenage girls on a daily basis wearing skirts that make their lady bits hang out.  Why not just post a sign on your back, saying Rape Me?  So the one night a year when these little prost-it-tots can actually clean up well and look good, they continue to look like jail bait.  

Ultimate boob slippage will happen during the Macarena

     Your dress should not look like a negligee from Frederick's of Hollywood.  Going through my closet I have more fabric on my sluttiest lingerie than the prom dress shown above.  I'm sure you are thinking that that is just some fancy lingerie.  Guess again, that is a real prom dress.  My daughter wouldn't even make it out of the house looking like that.  I would rather she be wearing a garbage bag, because that dress makes her already look trashy.  When you are 80 years old, and are looking back at your old prom photos with your grandchildren, do you really want them to thing, "Wow, Grandma's knockers where being held into her skimpy prom dress with duct tape!"  I'm gonna bank on no.  So why would you wanna look like that at all?  Save those kinds of dresses for your wedding night, Honey because that's the only time a formal dress should be something that revealing.  Otherwise you'll end up like this:

Without the infamous fame

-T.

The 1990's in Review

   I remember the 1990's like they were all shmooshed together a year ago.  Granted in 1990 I was two years old, so I don't really remember the 90's until about 1997 and that's only because of the Spice Girls.  Yes, the Spice Girls.  Not exactly my proudest vice that I have. But I will get it out of the way now that I had the CD's, books, dolls and Spiceworld: The Movie. Make your jokes as you wish.

Looking back on it now, I don't know how my parents

let me admire this.

    I remember a lot of the good points and a lot of the bad points of the 90's.  Granted, most of that is because of VH1 Programs like I Love The 90's.  But if it were not for nostalgic specials like that, I would have no idea that the 90's were so badass.  When you think about it, my brain was mostly a sponge up until 1996 or so, therefore, I remember very little and what I do remember has no relevance to this topic.  So moving on...

    The 1990's had some crazy trends.  I remember Ray Bans and bright neon colored clothing. I remember my dad having this painfully bright, blue highlighter blue sleeveless shirt that made my eyes burn when I looked at it.  Apparently the fashion designers of the 1990's were afraid the general public may have been colorblind.  Then there was the bad frizzy hair and huge, bulky, glam jewelry.  Then there was how men liked patterned shirts and teenage girls wore business suits to high school.  I blame Working Girl for that because that movie made women in business attire hot.  The fashion is what was the worst out of the 90's, no doubt.

              Gross.

    The high points of the 90's however was the scandals.  You know the ones I'm talking about.  How Monica Lewinski rose to fame as being the only White House intern to get caught having an affair with the President of the United States.  Oh, and let's not forget her cigar lighting talents.  Thank you, Clinton.  I could have lived the rest of my life without knowing that she can light a cigar with her lady business.  

   The revelation of the Clinton/Lewinski affair has had such a lasting affect on today's politician's private lives that no politician can get away with adultery anymore.  Take Eliot Spitzer for instance.  He was hiring high priced hookers and then he got caught.  And unfortunately for everyone, they will all get caught.  

   Then you had the Amy Fisher and Joey Buttafuoco scandal, where Buttaguoco's wife got shot in the face by his mistress, Amy Fisher.  The poor woman was already being tortured enough.  Not only was she married to a disgusting and vile Guinea, but also she had to suffer with having the last name "Buttafuoco".

Joey Buttafuoco...who the hell would tap that without

being slipped a roofy coolada?

    Or when Lorena Bobbit hacked off her husband's penis while he was asleep and then threw it out the window of her moving car?  Best part about this is, after they surgically reattached his penis back onto his body he got a freaking porn career!

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!

    I remember vaguely the OJ Simpson scandal.  Even people born in the early 2000's have heard about the OJ trial, because it will forever be one of the biggest and most gruesome crimes to go down in Hollywood.  I remember the car chase with the white Bronco and the plethora of cops that were in pursuit after.  I remember when he got acquitted and the whole "If the glove don't fit, you must acquit".  

    For Pete's sake, they still show specials on television trying to figure out how OJ Simpson got away with it-and this happened 18 years ago!  Unfortunately for many of the people in Hollywood, two of the big attorneys that were on Simpson's side are dead.  Robert Kardashian and Johnny Cochran.  So, celebrities in Hollywood planning on killing their wives, don't do it because the good legal council is dead.  So you'd be screwed.

      

This is what an Actor looks like when he's acting

like his glove doesn't fit.

   

   Best of all, remember the music?  Come on, Nirvana, Alanis Morrisette, the Proclaimers, Ace of Base.  Radio stations today even play their songs.  

   We had the boy bands like Backstreet Boys, Five, NKOTB, and NSYNC.  Ugh, I remember the sweatpants. The preppy Abercrombie and Fitch model haircuts and the bulky chains.  Believe it or not teeny boppers of the new millennium, Justin Timberlake used to look like a bleached, permed little girl with teary eyes.

 Whine ass.

  Believe it or not, Britney Spears didn't start out with the perception that she was a crazy whore.  She actually at one point and time was a very pretty, girl next door type.  Exibit A:

"If you look into my eyes long enough, you'll see past what 

I am going to turn out as 10 years from now."

   But then you add a head shaving meltdown and a doomed marriage, and the pressures of that "sex sells" thing that Hollywood shoves down people's throats and you get Exhibit B:

There are soooo many inappropriate comments I could

use against her because of this picture but I'll be good.

   Thankfully, not all of the 1990's musical icons lost their dignity.  We had our couple one hit wonders, like Snow with his song, Informer.  Which if anyone remembers, Snow was just this crazy white, reggae, Canadian rapper who's lyrics you really couldn't understand.  Then John Tesh, and his crazy "I'm gonna channel aliens" synthesized symphony of death.  

     Then there was Nirvana.  Oh, dear sweet Nirvana with the grungy yet somehow sexy Kurt Cobain.  Nirvana started the Seattle, it's always rainy so I'm gonna wear a cartigan sweater with cargo shorts while playing my instruments, dude! trend. I rock out to Smells Like Teen Spirit every night at work and no one does a cover that kicks Nirvana's ass.  Too bad Kurt Cobain killed himself (or was murdered, you can pick) because he had a talent that not a lot of artists have nowadays.  Essence.

Fuck you, Courtney Love

   Only a few movies actually caught my eye from the 1990's.  One of coarse was Clueless.  Wanna know who introduced me to Clueless because she had it on VHS? (For all you who have never seen a VHS videotape because you grew up after they became obsolete, you suck for not having to sit through rewinding those things.)  It was my friggin grandmother!  How many people can say their grandmother introduced them to a cult classic like Clueless?  Not many.  That's who.

    Then there was Pulp Fiction, which became the milestone for Quentin Tarrantino's career.  It also showed us that John Travolta looks goofy with a long, straight ponytail, but can still dance.

    Yup, the 1990's were a very interesting time.  In a lot of ways I am envious of the children that didn't grow up in the worst fashion decade since women could only wear dresses.  But in a lot of other ways I feel like maybe they missed out.  The music industry is starting to take a turn for the worst, Hollywood is running out of ideas, and we seem to be going to war with everyone and their mother.  Plus, technology is taking it's toll on us.  

    Actually, scratch that.  I like my iPhone, my fast speed internet, and Facebook.  So yeah, the 1990's albeit were an awesome decade, they also didn't have shit on the benefits of what we have now.  But without the inventions of the 90's, the inventions of the '00's wouldn't have happened.  So thanks 1990's!!

                                                                              -T.

Disney Movies That Should Have Been Left Alone

  Hollywood has been making their bank on sequels since the success of The Godfather Part II.  I know that wasn't the first movie that was a sequel.  I'm sure there were others, but I won't sit here and search imdb looking for that information.  Countless movie franchises have become completely outstanding because a sequel or prequel has come out after the original.  Star Wars, The Godfather, Twilight to name a few.  Hell, Harry Potter movies altogether made a whopping $7.7 billion by the time they all came out.  Unfortunately for Daniel Radcliffe, he will never be known as anything other than the four eyed wizard who didn't get to third base with Hermoine.  
     Then you take the Disney corporation.  Remember when Disney movies used to come out once a year in a two dimensional, hand drawn animation?  Back when each feature presentation was based on a fairy tale or story by some really old and really dead European author?  Now, those types of movies come out every so often, but in between new material they come up with sequels to their classics.  And these are sequels to things that would have been just fine if they had left well enough alone.
    The one exception I will give is the Aladdin sequels.  The Return of Jafar was pretty badass, despite the fact that Robin Williams did not provide the voice of the Genie because he was off playing a gay guy in The Birdcage.  Our ears were graced with the presence of Gilbert Gottfried's nails on a chalkboard voice for eighty some odd minutes instead.  But regardless, The Return of Jafar was still a decent sequel.  But then Disney decided to make a third Aladdin movie.  Aladdin and the King of Thieves was the abortion to the Aladdin franchise.  Thankfully, Robin Williams came back as the Genie, but we still had to listen to Gilbert Gottfried and sit through a painfully depressing eighty some odd minutes of a story line that really sucks.
      Yep, Disney has pooped out many sequels in the last few years since that whole Disney Princess thing happened.  Here is where they went wrong:


   Cinderella II: Dreams Come True and Cinderella III: A Twist in Time


   Seriously?  Why couldn't they just leave it at Cinderella and Prince Charming riding off into the sunset in the pumpkin?  No one cares that Cinderella had kids.  No one cares about the ugly stepsister getting a date with some poor baker and they live happily ever after.  She's the ugly stepsister!  She isn't supposed to have a happy ending.  She's supposed to stay ugly and live miserably for the rest of her life for being an uber bitch to her much prettier stepsister.  
   And A Twist in Time?  That sounds like an installment of a Carmen Sandiego video game.   I do give Disney some credit.  The dynamic of actually going and doing a "what if this happened" scenario was pretty good.  But the name just makes me lose interest.  Cinderella should have just road off to her happily ever after without all the crap afterwards.  "Happily Ever After" is supposed to be vague, so that those of us with an imagination (and nothing better to do) can draw our own conclusions.  So thanks, Disney for being what Cinderella would literally call (because she says it in the first one), a "killjoy"


   The Fox and the Hound 2


   I'm sure plenty of you have never read the Fox and the Hound.  Not the Disney movie, but the actual story by Daniel P. Mannix.  I'll just cut to the chase.  Both of them die. In a very gruesome and bloody way. The Hound kills the Fox, and the Hound gets shot by it's owner because he got stuck in a bear trap or something.  And this is supposed to be a movie promoting liking everyone, even if they aren't just like you.
    Now, I understand that Disney cannot kill their protagonists because that is a big no-no in the Disney universe.  But again, they became friends then went their separate ways when they grew up.  So what is the point of having a sequel to that? Not to mention the fact, that like the Cinderella sequels, The Fox and the Hound 2 came out twenty-five years after it's predecessor.  So all the people who saw it and could remember seeing it when it first came out are way too old to give a crap about it's sequel.  Unless you have children at that point, in which case, show them the original and tell them, "This is from when Disney movies were good, Squirt."


   Bambi II


   Everyone with a soul and a heart not made of coal remembers getting a little case of the sniffles when you watched Bambi.  Bambi will forever be that one Disney movie that made everyone emo after seeing it.  It has a reputation for being a very depressing movie, which is kind of ironic since the company that owns it has theme parks with the slogan "Happiest Place on Earth" tied to them.  
    I have seen grown macho men cry like little girls while watching Bambi, so why the hell did they make a sequel?  Where they aiming to see how many people they could get to jump off a bridge after seeing it?  The only good thing out of Bambi was Thumper and Flower because they were cute and we didn't have to see their mother's get shot by a bunch of redneck poachers.  Besides losing his mother, Bambi turned out okay in the end.  He won his fight and besides, no one cared for adult Bambi.  They just wanted the younger Bambi who was drawn to look cute.  Which is why the sequel kind of takes place when he was still a baby.  But that doesn't really make it a sequel either, because technically they went back in time.  Which brings me to...


   The Lion King 1 1/2


    If I wanted to listen to Nathan Lane piss and moan about how he is so much more awesome than his sidekick, I'd go back in time and buy tickets to go see The Producers.  And that is only because Ferris Bueller would kick his balls in the dirt with his quick wit.  Other than that, I don't like Nathan Lane.  So when my niece had me watch The Lion King 1 1/2 with her not so long ago, I made sure I penciled in a nice tall Jack and Coke for much later if I would have to sit through that hot mess with her.
    It isn't a sequel, and it isn't a prequel.  It's a parallel story of The Lion King through Timon and Pumba's eyes.  Where they came from and such. How they ended up meeting up with Simba and going completely Disney on Hamlet.  As William Shakespeare rolls over in his grave.  
    Kudos for trying to be cute with the "1  1/2" in the title, but they should have just called it something along the lines of Timon and Pumba: The Untold Story.  But again, they ended The Lion King on a good note.  They didn't need to make another one. If they wanted to make a Lion King sequel, they should have made one about Scar coming back as a zombie.  




    I am  a big Disney fan, but I am the kind of Disney fan that sticks with the originals.  I only watch the sequels if I am in the presence of a child that I love dearly enough to knock some sanity points out of my noggin.  Other than that, I keep it to the classics because when you get to be my age, it doesn't hit home as much as the originals did.  Everything nowadays is about global marketing.  Which is exactly why Disney keeps sending crappy sequels out of the crapper.  
   Please, People at the Disney House of Mouse...STOP MAKING SEQUELS and come out with new stories!!  


                                                                                -T.

New Blog

  I came to the conclusion not so long ago that there are three things in life that I am good at.  Two of which I will not speak of, and the last one is writing.  I was born to write.  My mind is a bowl full of thoughts and ideas and when I cannot speak about them, I write about them.  Writing is cathartic for me.  Once I caught wind that you can become a professional blogger, I realized I had found my calling.  
   Each blog will complete the sentence of "Umm, about that..."  I have a lot of "Umm, about that" moments in my day because I work in customer service so I see that it takes all kinds to make the world go round.  I associate myself with people who make me question how it is I still have some sort of grasp of sanity. There is a shit load of people in this world that make me thankful that I still have a few marbles still rolling around up in my head, although sometimes it may not seem it.  
    But, I bid my readers (provided I actually get some) a good night.  Real posts will begin tomorrow when I have more time to do this.