If Twilight Didn't Involve Bella

    

      Before I completely jump into this article, I just wanna go on the record and say that I absolutely love Kristen Stewart.  I think she is a beautiful girl and for the most part a talented actress.  I mean, did you see The Runaways?  She portrayed Joan Jett extremely well.  Well enough to the point where Joan freakin' Jett herself was baffled by her performance.  If you need further convincing, take this:

 Badass...

      But then Hollywood got graced with the mega cult catastrophe known as The Twilight Saga.   For all of you that have not seen it, or that have lived in a cave for the last seven years, Twilight tells the story of Bella Swan, a plain Jane and whine ass who is absolutely and irrevocably in love with a vampire named Edward.  Unlike normal vampire mythology, the sun doesn't make Edward or the rest of the vampires go POOF!  Instead, they glitter.  Yes, glitter.  

They also have a superpower where "I'm Too Sexy (For My Shirt)"by 

Right Said Fred always plays when they are around.

        Aside from the power couple, there is a werewolf named Jacob who is in love with Bella as well and utterly despises Edward because Bella would rather bang a walking dead disco ball instead of a ripped dog she may get the occasional hairball from. Not to mention the werewolves and the vampires hate each other.

'Nuff Said...

         Getting back to the Kristen Stewart issue.  In every other performance that she gives, she is fantastic.  But for some reason, her acting in Twilight just doesn't cut it.  She stammers a lot, and maybe it's because her boyfriend's skin blinds her, but she squints a lot.  Not to mention, she is as gloomy and emo as the town she lives in all the time.

""Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-... That's all, Ed."

    So let's get a little on the crazy side and take Bella out of Twilight all together.  Not just in the movies, but also in the books as well.  Let's say Stephanie Meyer didn't write Twilight as a modern day, fantasy driven adaptation of Romeo & Juliet.  What would be left?  War, hatred, violence, death (even to those undead), victory and defeat.  It's like the ultimate male's wet dream in fiction!  

     You would have the Cullens and the Fork Wolf Pack duking it out over who is more badass, and who looks better with their shirts off.  Heads would roll and vampires would be torn to shreds so that their little glittery limbs could be dinner for Jacob and his family.  

"I bet you'd taste good with Ketchup"

     We wouldn't have to sit through two hours of a chick, albeit extremely pretty, bitching and moaning about how she cannot choose between the tanned and extremely ripped Taylor Lautner, or the greasy and unclean Robert Pattinson.  Instead we as women would just have eye candy, but the men would just have violence and death.

      I remember when my friend and I went to go see New Moon on opening night.  It was supposed to be just us girls, but she brought her fiancee with her.  He was completely miserable the entire time.  In fact, at one point during the movie, as my female friend is digging her nails into me when Jacob rips off his shirt, I got a text from her fiancee two chairs away saying, "I fucking hate you."  Yup, and I looked at him and smiled with glee as I imagined the pain he was going through watching this chick flick.

This was pretty much the reaction I got...

     So yes, if we took Bella out of Twilight then we would have a movie that both of us would love.  The girls would be able to oogle the abs and the guys would love the violence.  I have had this conversation with many of my male friends who are pop culture savvy and they all said that they would actually go and see Twilight if they took the love story out of it.  But where would be be able to put Kristen Stewart? 

Much better, Kristen.

     

                                                                      -T.