Cover Up If You Want the Crown

    I never went to my senior prom.  I cannot neccesarily say that I regret that decision either.  I went to a school with only 250 some odd kids in it, with about forty kids in the graduating classes every year.  Prom is like the Fashion Police, except you don't have Joan Rivers telling you about how fat you look in your little black dress.

You may be fat, but she is a 1,000 year old science experiment

    It happens every year.  The teenage girls go on this crazy rush to snag the most beautiful prom dress before their rival nominee for Prom Queen gets to it.  It's one thing to have a dress the same color as another girl, but it is "social suicide" to have the exact same dress as another girl.  Especially if your school's Prom Queen is based on "best dressed" and not who the biggest bitch in the school is, also known as Most Popular.  Luckily my high school did their Prom Court dependent on who was dressed the best, and not who was the most popular.  Even the ugliest of ducks can turn into beautiful swans.  

Exhibit A: The Winner of The Swan before and after

   In a society where fashion and looks are everything, high school has become an epic bloodbath of labels and who has better couture.  Prom fuels that even more.  Christ forbid if a girl comes to the prom in a dress her mother made her because her family cannot afford a fancy dress.  She just wants to look pretty for one night and fit in, but she gets labeled as poor because her dress wasn't hand stitched by a bunch of Chinese infants in some sweat shop.  Sometimes, parents who hand stitch their children's prom dresses have such exquisite talent that the dress they have made is 1,000 times better than a dress that the other girls have gotten at a prom dress store like Deb. Or even more, vintage is back in.  What was cool in the 1950's is making a comeback in formal attire nowadays.  So even a hand-me-down could make a fashionable statement and still kick your $350 prom dress's tits in the dirt.

Bet you'd piss yourselves if you found out this 

was her grandmother's dress just modernized.

     When I have children, I fear about the day their prom comes up because now dresses have to be more revealing than ever.  The entire reason as to why this is my next topic for Umm, About That... is because I saw an article on Yahoo! News about how schools are FIGHTING against provocative dresses.  It's bad enough that I see teenage girls on a daily basis wearing skirts that make their lady bits hang out.  Why not just post a sign on your back, saying Rape Me?  So the one night a year when these little prost-it-tots can actually clean up well and look good, they continue to look like jail bait.  

Ultimate boob slippage will happen during the Macarena

     Your dress should not look like a negligee from Frederick's of Hollywood.  Going through my closet I have more fabric on my sluttiest lingerie than the prom dress shown above.  I'm sure you are thinking that that is just some fancy lingerie.  Guess again, that is a real prom dress.  My daughter wouldn't even make it out of the house looking like that.  I would rather she be wearing a garbage bag, because that dress makes her already look trashy.  When you are 80 years old, and are looking back at your old prom photos with your grandchildren, do you really want them to thing, "Wow, Grandma's knockers where being held into her skimpy prom dress with duct tape!"  I'm gonna bank on no.  So why would you wanna look like that at all?  Save those kinds of dresses for your wedding night, Honey because that's the only time a formal dress should be something that revealing.  Otherwise you'll end up like this:

Without the infamous fame

-T.