The 1990's in Review

   I remember the 1990's like they were all shmooshed together a year ago.  Granted in 1990 I was two years old, so I don't really remember the 90's until about 1997 and that's only because of the Spice Girls.  Yes, the Spice Girls.  Not exactly my proudest vice that I have. But I will get it out of the way now that I had the CD's, books, dolls and Spiceworld: The Movie. Make your jokes as you wish.

Looking back on it now, I don't know how my parents

let me admire this.

    I remember a lot of the good points and a lot of the bad points of the 90's.  Granted, most of that is because of VH1 Programs like I Love The 90's.  But if it were not for nostalgic specials like that, I would have no idea that the 90's were so badass.  When you think about it, my brain was mostly a sponge up until 1996 or so, therefore, I remember very little and what I do remember has no relevance to this topic.  So moving on...

    The 1990's had some crazy trends.  I remember Ray Bans and bright neon colored clothing. I remember my dad having this painfully bright, blue highlighter blue sleeveless shirt that made my eyes burn when I looked at it.  Apparently the fashion designers of the 1990's were afraid the general public may have been colorblind.  Then there was the bad frizzy hair and huge, bulky, glam jewelry.  Then there was how men liked patterned shirts and teenage girls wore business suits to high school.  I blame Working Girl for that because that movie made women in business attire hot.  The fashion is what was the worst out of the 90's, no doubt.

              Gross.

    The high points of the 90's however was the scandals.  You know the ones I'm talking about.  How Monica Lewinski rose to fame as being the only White House intern to get caught having an affair with the President of the United States.  Oh, and let's not forget her cigar lighting talents.  Thank you, Clinton.  I could have lived the rest of my life without knowing that she can light a cigar with her lady business.  

   The revelation of the Clinton/Lewinski affair has had such a lasting affect on today's politician's private lives that no politician can get away with adultery anymore.  Take Eliot Spitzer for instance.  He was hiring high priced hookers and then he got caught.  And unfortunately for everyone, they will all get caught.  

   Then you had the Amy Fisher and Joey Buttafuoco scandal, where Buttaguoco's wife got shot in the face by his mistress, Amy Fisher.  The poor woman was already being tortured enough.  Not only was she married to a disgusting and vile Guinea, but also she had to suffer with having the last name "Buttafuoco".

Joey Buttafuoco...who the hell would tap that without

being slipped a roofy coolada?

    Or when Lorena Bobbit hacked off her husband's penis while he was asleep and then threw it out the window of her moving car?  Best part about this is, after they surgically reattached his penis back onto his body he got a freaking porn career!

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!

    I remember vaguely the OJ Simpson scandal.  Even people born in the early 2000's have heard about the OJ trial, because it will forever be one of the biggest and most gruesome crimes to go down in Hollywood.  I remember the car chase with the white Bronco and the plethora of cops that were in pursuit after.  I remember when he got acquitted and the whole "If the glove don't fit, you must acquit".  

    For Pete's sake, they still show specials on television trying to figure out how OJ Simpson got away with it-and this happened 18 years ago!  Unfortunately for many of the people in Hollywood, two of the big attorneys that were on Simpson's side are dead.  Robert Kardashian and Johnny Cochran.  So, celebrities in Hollywood planning on killing their wives, don't do it because the good legal council is dead.  So you'd be screwed.

      

This is what an Actor looks like when he's acting

like his glove doesn't fit.

   

   Best of all, remember the music?  Come on, Nirvana, Alanis Morrisette, the Proclaimers, Ace of Base.  Radio stations today even play their songs.  

   We had the boy bands like Backstreet Boys, Five, NKOTB, and NSYNC.  Ugh, I remember the sweatpants. The preppy Abercrombie and Fitch model haircuts and the bulky chains.  Believe it or not teeny boppers of the new millennium, Justin Timberlake used to look like a bleached, permed little girl with teary eyes.

 Whine ass.

  Believe it or not, Britney Spears didn't start out with the perception that she was a crazy whore.  She actually at one point and time was a very pretty, girl next door type.  Exibit A:

"If you look into my eyes long enough, you'll see past what 

I am going to turn out as 10 years from now."

   But then you add a head shaving meltdown and a doomed marriage, and the pressures of that "sex sells" thing that Hollywood shoves down people's throats and you get Exhibit B:

There are soooo many inappropriate comments I could

use against her because of this picture but I'll be good.

   Thankfully, not all of the 1990's musical icons lost their dignity.  We had our couple one hit wonders, like Snow with his song, Informer.  Which if anyone remembers, Snow was just this crazy white, reggae, Canadian rapper who's lyrics you really couldn't understand.  Then John Tesh, and his crazy "I'm gonna channel aliens" synthesized symphony of death.  

     Then there was Nirvana.  Oh, dear sweet Nirvana with the grungy yet somehow sexy Kurt Cobain.  Nirvana started the Seattle, it's always rainy so I'm gonna wear a cartigan sweater with cargo shorts while playing my instruments, dude! trend. I rock out to Smells Like Teen Spirit every night at work and no one does a cover that kicks Nirvana's ass.  Too bad Kurt Cobain killed himself (or was murdered, you can pick) because he had a talent that not a lot of artists have nowadays.  Essence.

Fuck you, Courtney Love

   Only a few movies actually caught my eye from the 1990's.  One of coarse was Clueless.  Wanna know who introduced me to Clueless because she had it on VHS? (For all you who have never seen a VHS videotape because you grew up after they became obsolete, you suck for not having to sit through rewinding those things.)  It was my friggin grandmother!  How many people can say their grandmother introduced them to a cult classic like Clueless?  Not many.  That's who.

    Then there was Pulp Fiction, which became the milestone for Quentin Tarrantino's career.  It also showed us that John Travolta looks goofy with a long, straight ponytail, but can still dance.

    Yup, the 1990's were a very interesting time.  In a lot of ways I am envious of the children that didn't grow up in the worst fashion decade since women could only wear dresses.  But in a lot of other ways I feel like maybe they missed out.  The music industry is starting to take a turn for the worst, Hollywood is running out of ideas, and we seem to be going to war with everyone and their mother.  Plus, technology is taking it's toll on us.  

    Actually, scratch that.  I like my iPhone, my fast speed internet, and Facebook.  So yeah, the 1990's albeit were an awesome decade, they also didn't have shit on the benefits of what we have now.  But without the inventions of the 90's, the inventions of the '00's wouldn't have happened.  So thanks 1990's!!

                                                                              -T.