Update

Dearest Awesome Readers,
   I apologize for the lack of publishing these last few months. I have been extremely distracted with the bullshit of my life. My keyboard also broke and I am too cheap to go and fix it because it's on a laptop. Anyway, I wanted to branch the magazine out for awhile and I found the perfect person to be my first nominated columnist. I introduce to you, my dear friend, Josh.  I would trust very few people with any of my projects however I expect he will do well. So please, show him the same respect and admiration you all have shown me. I promise my fan club I shall return when things get a little better. 
              Love you all,
                      T.

3 Shows that Didn't Answer Questions Within the Plotlines

    There is one thing in life that I can be confident about:  That is that eventually all these years of paying attention to pop culture will actually pay off.  Thankfully, writing this column is the stepping stone for that because it gives me the inspiration to write about one industry that I know best: Hollywood.  

     While watching random stuff on my Netflix account the other day, I realized that television shows are NOTORIOUS for plot holes.  I am one of those annoying people that cannot stand when things aren't explained, and even worse I over think things causing me to raise questions that no one else will think of.  That is the curse of having a passion for popular culture.  

     So while I sit here thinking about all the numerous plot holes in television I was able to come up with a few that really were head scratchers to me.  This is the big beefy stew I have concocted in my brain pertaining to such:

Did Joyce "Come Back Wrong" on Buffy The Vampire Slayer?

     

   In the fifth season of the mega cult hit, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Buffy's mom Joyce was diagnosed with a brain tumor.  The declining health of Joyce definitely created a tone more serious to the Buffy universe.  Joyce's character was always known as the compassionate, yet naive mother who always had her daughters' best interest at heart.  Despite the fact that her daughter's night job was killing the mythological creatures that Stephanie Meyer bastardized with Twilight.  

    Three quarters of the way through the season, Buffy comes home to find her mother sprawled out on the couch with her eyes wide open and completely lifeless.  Apparently show creator, Joss Whedon had decided that it was time for Joyce to get the ax but decided to not have her be killed by demons.  Just a brain aneurysm. 

 Poor Joyce

    In the following episode, the entire cast is trying to cope with Joyce's death and some are handling it far worse than others.  Joyce's younger daughter, Dawn (who used to be a key mind you) decides to do something completely stupid even after her friends tell her it's a bad idea and that was to resurrect her mother from the grave she had just buried her in.   

    Quick little backstory:  Dawn is that whiny, bitchy, almost legally retarded teenager that no one wants their kid to grow into.

It's like Pippy Longstocking...except you want her to die...slowly

   Long story short, Dawn performs the spell after being told that her mother could come back from the dead, "wrong".  Now what exactly this means is however you want it to mean I guess.  But considering we never really find out what clawed its way out of Joyce's casket we can only assume that something wasn't right based on the cinematography of the episode in the final five minutes. 

   We never see "Mombie" (as a brilliant fan writer referred to the being on the internet).  All we see is a pair of lady's shoes and the bottom hem of a dress walking on a patch of grass.  Then we see an eerie (and oddly terrifying) shadow pass by the drawn curtains as Buffy and Dawn are fighting about stuff.  One topic is how stupid and whiny Dawn is. 

This scene made me terrified of shadows....just saying

    WHAT MAY HAVE HAPPENED:

  

   Considering Mombie's face and actual form are never shown and all we get is a pair of feet, a shadow and some cliche "the boogeyman's coming" horror music when both are shown, I think it is safe to say that she came back wrong.  I realize that what Dawn rose from the dead wasn't the point of the episode but like I said in the intro, I over think things.  

    Joyce probably rose from the dead with a hunched over body like a usual zombie.  Her face was probably sporting an evil grimace and she probably ate a few people as she staggered home from the cemetery.  Even looking at the shadow in the above picture it looks like whatever it is has a hunched back.  

     If Buffy had answered the door and Dawn hadn't broken the spell at the last minute she would have had to re kill her mother.  That would have ruined the heartbreaking ending of Buffy answering the door to find Mombie was gone and allowing her to accept her mother's death.  But the big thing is, even though the way it was shot freaked me the fuck out, I still wonder what Mombie would have looked like.  Probably like this:

Aaaaahhhhhhh kill Joyce! Kill Joyce!!

Did Tony Die at the End of The Sopranos?

   This will forever be one of the biggest questions filed under Unresolved Television Plots.   The Sopranos went out with an absolute BANG as Tony, his wife and his son all sit in a restaurant eating onion rings and jamming out to "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey.  Absent from the onion ring/Journey jam out is the daughter Meadow...because she is trying to park the car.  

    Take a few moments and watch the final scene from the series.  Even if you never watched an episode of The Sopranos it doesn't matter because this is all you need to know.

What...the...%$#@?!?!?!?

     Now, I wasn't into The Sopranos.  I actually stumbled upon this because of a Family Guy joke at the Emmy's one year.  I'm really glad I was never into the show because if I spent six years watching it for it to end like that I would have been pissed.  I do know plenty of people who watched it religiously and thought that in that final second their cable went out.  Nope....you just got mind fucked from HBO.  Merry Christmas.

      There are numerous, actually thousands of websites dedicated to the whole What Happened to Tony thing.  It really did end in such an epic way that it will forever be remembered as the best...and most frustrating...series finales of all time.  

WHAT MAY HAVE HAPPENED

  Did you notice the guy sitting at the diner repeatedly looking at the Soprano family as they nibbled on their onion rings?  

   Dude was seriously sketchy.  And this is my theory.  Anyone who has seen The Godfather knows the best way to hide a gun is in the bathroom for when you are gonna whack your enemy.  Oddly enough, in Italian Mobster fashion, the diner guy slips into the bathroom a few moments before Meadow opens the door and the screen turns black.  So could he have pulled a Michael Corleone and came out of the bathroom and shot Tony?   It is very well possible.  Unfortunately the creator of the show has vowed to take the answer with him to his grave.  Bastard.

    Then that leaves what happened to the rest of the family.  Perhaps the entire family got taken out by creepy jacket wearing diner guy.  But based on reading fans comments on the subject it is 99% a chance that dude came out of the bathroom and completely shot the hell out of Tony Soprano.  

Then stole his onion rings and nonchalantly returned to his seat...

since no one goes on exile to Sicily anymore.

Where the Hell is Constance's Fourth Child on American Horror Story?

   American Horror Story on FX has got to be the psychologically fucked up program on television since Buffy.  Every episode has a crazy ending and insane plot twist that makes you think in the end, "What the hell just effing happened?" It is sincere horror television at it's finest.  Not neccesarily because it has that whole sudden movement makes you jump thing but it messes with your head.

    Like getting impregnated by a dude in a rubber man suit

   The only problem with AHS is that it has a few missing plot points.  One of the biggest ones is what happened to Constance Langdon's fourth child. 
    Back story: One of the central characters, Constance Langdon (also one of the only living characters) had four children.  She mentions early on that out of the four only one of them was born without a deformity. Instead, the perfect one, Tate, is the quintessential definition of evil.  He went on a Columbine-esque shooting spree and was shot dead by SWAT teams and thus is going to be haunting The Murder House forever.  Thankfully, he has his Kurt Cobain looks to swoon the teenage girls that inhabit the house.

I smell like Teen Spirit.

  On the flipside of that, she had two other children.  Adelaide (Addie) and Beauregard.  Adelaide had down syndrome and Beauregard...well, look at him and you can decide what deformity he was cursed with.

Personally, I call it Holy Fuck Syndrome.

    So we know of those three children, who are all dead by the way.  Addie got hit by a car.  Tate was shot dead by SWAT, and Beauregard was smothered to death by his mother's love interest of that day.  If you came out of the womb of the creepiest senior citizen in prime time television, more than likely you are going to die if you haven't already.  Which raises the eternal question: Where is the fourth kid?

WHAT MAY HAVE HAPPENED:

   The fourth Langdon child was never spoken of, except for when Constance was explaining to the series protagonist that she had four children.  Then it was never spoken about again.  At all.  

    So let's say for argument sake Baby X died as well.  Probably got sucked into the Murder House and got eaten by the Infantata.  Now, if you do not watch AHS, Infantata is a Baby Frankestein who kills everything.  And it looks like this:

Come at me, bro!

      The child was probably just as grotesque as it's brother Beauregard.  I personally would hate to be part of Constance's gene pool.  Apparently her spawn, albeit for one came out with some sort of issue that doesn't go away.  Maybe for that reason the kid committed suicide and the pain is too hard for Constance to talk about.  Or then again, maybe the creators just decided that flaunting around three kids were enough.  Or maybe they just forgot about him.  Those neglectful douchebags.

   Yeah, television is known greatly for having hidden plot points and missing details and leaving loyal viewers in the dark.  There are plenty more examples, but I feel as though I have made my point for now.  Eventually, there will be a part two.  If I don't get eaten by a Frankenbaby first.

3 Things Living In Vermont City People Can't Handle

   It never fails.  City people just do not understand simple living in the country.  As someone who grew up in a town with roughly 1,000 people I grew up seeing the world completely different than someone who grew up in a metropolitan area.  I wish I had a nickle for every time someone referenced how small my hometown is.  Usually it goes along the lines of, "Tor, you're town has like six people in it!"  And whenever I hear that kind of jab, I want to punch people in the nose.  There are perks to growing up or living in Small Town, Vermont.  And there are things about living in Small Town, Vermont that would make city people want to kill themselves.  Such as...

# 3: Everyone Knows Everybody, Their Mother, and Their Dirty Little Secrets


   For all my readers who are also from my hometown, you will be able to relate that living here everyone knew your business.  You can't take a shit in Small Town, Vermont without the entire town knowing about it.  No one can get away with having affairs for a long period of time because eventually it will circulate through the town.  So to all you politicians and business executives that use the company credit card to hook up with your mistresses and high class Heidi Fleiss prostitutes, Vermont is not the place to engage in extracurricular activities of coitus.  Hell, the cows will even talk about it.

"OMG! Did you hear Old McDonald is sleeping with

Little Bo Peep?"

    The benefit of living in a city is there is plenty of places to hide from the dark corners that are surrounded in your life.  In Small Town, Vermont, you can't.  Now, this has it perks and its downsides.  The perks are that who you really are gets picked up on right away because townsfolk can spot a fraud a mile away.  The downside is, if you fuck up in your life just once whether it be getting arrested for a DUI or wetting your pants from laughing to hard at that one redneck joke, everybody-and I do mean EVERYBODY will know about it.  And no...they will not forget it.  Even when you are about to pass onto the afterlife, the others in the old age home will still be talking about it...fifty freakin years later. 

"We'll see who's laughing about that one time at band camp

eighty years ago now...."

    I know everyone that comes into my store on a first name basis.  For professional purposes, it is amazing because building a relationship with your clientele is very important.  But the gossip that comes with it is sometimes unbearable.  With Small Town, Vermont, a gossip topic doesn't go away right away either.  Usually it takes another bigger, and juicier scandal to wipe the other one off the map.  Unfortunately that doesn't happen as quickly as it would in a city.  Distractions are hard to come by when you live in Small Town, Vermont.  

    So, to sum up, you can't get away with cheating on your spouse here without the entire town knowing about it.  You cannot live down something you did skatey-eight years ago and you hear so much talk for a very long time until something better comes along...if it does.

#2:  There is Absolutely, Positively, Generally Nothing to Do Within Walking Distance of Your Place of Residence

     The house I grew up in is a fifteen minute drive from grocery stores, Walmart, K-Mart, etc.  If you want to go to the bar, you better damn well find a generous enough designated driver who is willing to drive your ass those fifteen minutes back to your house if you don't live directly in  Mini City, Vermont.   We have one movie theater that only has seven screens, and old school seating that is NOT comfortable at all.  We have the smallest Walmart in the United States.  Not just in Vermont, but in the whole goddamned country.  We just recently upgraded and got a PetCo.  We're really moving up in the world and I think our pets are happy.

Heeeyyyyyy

    I wish I did live in Mini City, Vermont.  Then I could go bar hopping and not have to worry about paying $35 to the Mini City, Vermont taxi service to ensure I get home without killing myself or a deer.  City people have trains and can walk everywhere.  It would be one hell of a huff it if you had to huff it back home after a night of fun in the downtown district.  I mean, we have a bus and yes it really does look like this:

Eeewww

   We do have festivals and stuff to do, but mostly they are seasonal.  There isn't a solid thing going on all year round to keep us entertained.  If you don't hunt, fish, or partake in out door activities, then you really shouldn't look to occupy your time here because that's really all we have.  Except for mudding.  City people, in case you don't know what mudding is, it's when you drive your trucks through the mud.  Thus, your vehicle goes from looking like this:

TO THIS:

 Oooooofya

    Now I'm the worst backwoods Vermonter ever, because I have never been mudding.  It looks like fun though.  I hear that it is fun.  But again, you have to drive and drive and drive to find good spots to do it in.  Generally, the best destinations are always an hour away.  I think that's a rule or something.

     Without the endless possibilities being within walking distance, city people would go absolutely batshit because they would have to drive to have fun.  It drove me crazy when I moved back from living out by Boston.  I feel the pain, but at the same time, it keeps overpopulation away.  It's bad enough we have leaf peepers three months out of the year.

#1:  There Are More Animals Than There Are Humans and They Will Kill You...

      

    Woodland creatures are not the cute little laundry doing friends Snow White had.  They can and will kill you.  Like this video above.  That was a hunter.  Apparently, Bambi was seeking revenge.  Regardless, deer kill people.  A lot of times it is when they run out in front of your car in the wee hours of the morning.  I know, because I almost hit one every night on my way home from work.  Replace this deer with a bear or a moose or any other creature and you will still die because they are animals.  With most of Vermont being wooded areas, they are EVERYWHERE!!  

    City people on the other hand just have to worry about cougars:

Cougars in couture and turning pop culture upside down that is.

   

   I would love to move back to a city at some point, but part of the reason why I love Small Town, Vermont is that I don't have to worry about looking over my shoulder every minute worrying about getting mugged.  The homicide rate here is extremely low and with everyone knowing everyone it is a good place to be.  Yeah, it kinda sucks that I have to drive an hour to get to the nearest mall, but living a simple life without flashy neon signs in my window at night isn't necessarily a bad thing.  It's not for everyone, and I know plenty of people born and raised in cities who wouldn't last a day in Vermont.  But not everyone can be Vermont Strong!

The Death of Glam Rock and Why We Shouldn't Try to Bring It Back

 Remind me to punch this guy in the face should
I ever meet him.  Tool.  

    The 1970's were an interesting time in music.  Actually, when you think about it, the sixties through today was an interesting time for music.  We had the legends like The Beatles and Led Zeppelin, and now we have Ke$ha and Lady Gaga.  A lot has changed in the music industry in the last four decades and some of it is definitely for the better.  I really would love to sit here and say that all of the changes weren't for the better but lying really isn't my strong suit when trying to convince people.
    One of those things that is better to have disappeared is Glam Rock.  For all you musically and culturally deprived, Glam Rock is a style of rock and pop music that originated from the United Kingdom somewhere in the mid 1970's.  Performers in Glam Rock bands would wear their hair big and poofy with lipstick and spandex, even if they were men.  Such examples of this genre and appearance are Alice Cooper, Twisted Sister and David Bowie.  Albeit that they are phenomenal artists and have made quite the dent in the music industry, but seriously it is crazy.
     Hopefully Glam Rock will forever be stored away in the vault where they put out of style music.  And these are the reasons why:


 The Fashion is Way Too Old to Be Worn Now


   Back in the 1970's, spandex, leather and headbands were all the rage.  Now, if someone were to walk out of their house wearing spandex they probably would be hit by lemons that neighborhood kids would be throwing at them.  The spandex craze died out around the time when Aerosmith's Pump came out.  Actually, Stephen Tyler could probably still wear spandex pants now that he is on American Idol and actually get away with it without Joan Rivers poking fun of him with her fashion police.

"Try and pull this off, motherf*ckers!!"

    Then there is the hair.  Holy crap on toast, the hair.  When I picture Glam Rock, I envision uber frizzy hair that can add about four feet to your height.  It's like an afro gone horribly, horribly wrong.  And for some reason, that was the "it" hairstyle of the 1970's.  Everyone had long hair that was the Glam Rock look.  Even if they weren't Glam Rock.  Take Dan McCafferty, the lead singer of Nazareth for example.  His hair was the textbook definition of Glam Rock disaster hair, and Nazareth wasn't even in the Glam Rock genre.

I blame psychedelic 1970's drugs for the hair choices

    Every frontman to bands in the Glam Rock era had long hair.  Robert Plant, Steve Perry, Dave Evans among many many others.  I understand that it was a fashion statement of the era, but nowadays hair like that will get you shot.  Now when artists style their hair like that, it is for an ironic fashion statement.  Or to further prove that today's musical influence is comprised of a bunch of tone deaf r-tards.  

Apparently looking like your head got stuck

in a cotton candy maker is the new "it" thing.

       Then there are the front men that would wear caked on makeup, to where they made professional drag queens look like they were going au natural.  There is nothing more creepy than a man in spandex with huge hair and spandex wearing makeup.  Thank you Dee Snider for giving me nightmares after I saw your videos on VH1.

All kinds of eeeewwww

  The Actual Genre Itself is Pretty Much Dead

    The Glam Rock style of the 1970's have influenced a plethora of musicians in the last forty years.  I do believe that a lot of the Glam Rock bands have put enough of a significant dent in the music industry to where they can be considered amazing musicians, despite the fact that I personally cannot take them completely seriously because of their appearance.  Marilyn Manson, Lady Gaga, and the Darkness are just to name a few.  

     The original genre itself has kind of been dying out throughout the decades but the fashionable interest has been passed down while adding it's own modern flare.  For the love of Pete's sake, Lady Gaga goes so over the top with her costumes, she wears meat!  Alice Cooper never wore meat!  But Gaga does!

How Dee Snider didn't think of this first still baffles me.

     David Bowie had the Glam Rock genre all mapped out like a champ.  He had the outfits and the persona to actually pull it off like a champ.  Plus he had that whole open and out of the closet bi-sexuality thing that made him different than all the other Glam Rock musicians, so the fact that he was dolled up in cake makeup on stage wasn't as bizarre as it was with most musicians.  But you can't get more badass than David Bowie.  I mean, dude was in Labyrinth and that movie alone was awesome and made him even more of an epic Glam Rock  God.  Until his and Mick Jagger's Dancing in the Street came out.  That video was just a little weird.

Umm, About That....

    The Darkness tried reviving the Glam Rock era a few years back with their video for I Believe in a Thing Called Love, and although they managed to score some major cool points with trying to revive a dying lifestyle in music, they failed at it horribly because by the time it came out, the younger generations were more interested in Britney Spears' Toxic because they came out the same year.  But seriously, I give them major props for trying to bring it back.

Tried...but failed.

      The newer generation of music followers want what is today's Top 40, and therefore it is all about Nicki Minaj and Pitbull.  Even mainstream rock n' roll isn't what it used to be.  But that argument will be saved for a column in the future.  Probably when I beg all over the internet for Led Zeppelin to do a reunion tour.  But Jimmy Paige and Robert Plant's heart tickers are running out, so let's step on it shall we?

 Even If Glam Rock Made A Comeback It Would Be Way Different, So Why Bother?

   With music becoming what it is nowadays with more half naked chicks on stage and guys wearing pants down around their ankles, even if a particular form of Glam Rock reinvented the music scene, it would be so drastically different that it would probably make more of a mockery of what we see it as now.  Sure, there would still be spandex but the clothes would probably be more revealing.  Look at the clothes that musicians wear nowadays.  I'm gonna use Ke$ha as an example, only because I feel that she is trying too hard to pursue the image of Glam Rock.  She is the textbook definition of visual hot mess, and although she is a guilty pleasure of mine (rocking out to Blow as I write this sentence matter of fact), the previous statement still stands true.

Tolerable, I guess...

That's enough, Ke$ha...

Dear God, please make it stop!!

    Some things are just better left behind in the past.  Let those of us who are welcoming to all kids of music appreciate the fact that what was once great was what it was and now we can't revive it to it's original form. Christ forbid if Selena Gomez were to try and pull off the Glam Rock stuff.  I mean, I know I am too young to understand in full what it's influence was way back in the day, but I mean, she was REALLY too young.  If she were to mimick a Glam Rock Band, I can just picture Alice Cooper's reaction.

Once upon a time, that was Selena Gomez's head.

    So yes, let's just throw Glam Rock into the music vault and let it rest in peace with the greats who made it legendary.  Other than that, it is definitely a style of music and fashionable lifestyle that really doesn't need to be the ultimate zombie on pop culture.

T.

5 Reasons Working For A Gas Station Will Destroy You

        

          Unfortunately for us, we are living in a time when gas prices are so astronomical, that selling our own blood on the black market is how some of us are able to get from Point A to Point B.  I see it every day because until this blog takes off and I become Oprah rich, I will be standing behind the counter of the local Shell station making my bones.  I wish I could say that it is an ordinary gig, but I truly see things I never would have expected working for a gas station.  Maybe it's because I live in a poedunk town in east bumfuck Vermont, but I have seen stuff in this last year working for a gas station that I didn't even think happened in real life.  It's the kind of stuff that will destroy your sanity if you stare at it for two long.  Such as:

#5: Customers That You Wish You Had Never Met, But Will Unfortunately Never Forget

   In any form of retail, you come face to face with what will probably be the most miserable batches of people you'll ever meet in your life.  There is always the mother that is trying to buy whatever she needs, while her misbehaving children are running around the stores knocking everything over while she dilly-dallies without even turning around to notice.  Until she finally realizes her children are tearing apart whatever establishment she may be in, and then she screams at them and you are faced to deal with the awkward aftermath of what is probably just a prelude to the ass beating that kid will get the minute they walk out the store.  Because some parents are douchebags like that.

"I told you not to touch the Skittles, Davey! That will be 

40 Licks."

       Then you have the drunks who stumble out of the bar at 2am looking for coffee and chocolate to curb their appetite before they go home with some random person for a night of drunken coitus and potentially contracting the Blue Waffle Disease.  I wish I could say that I wasn't standing behind the counter as I watched people come up to it making out, getting their vodka based saliva all over each other.  It's times like those where the last thing I wanna do at the end of the day is either participate in adult friendly games, or drink at all because the site of a drunk couple about to shmoosh kills the mood for like a week.  So, if you could not molest each other at the counter, that would be great.

Some things should be left behind closed doors

#4: How Reading Signs is Too Difficult, Yet It Is Always Your Fault

    This just happened to me today actually.  We ran out of gas.  Yes, gas stations are likely to run out of gas from time to time.  It really isn't that big of a deal, as long as you live in a town with more than one gas station, which in Vermont that is very seldom.  Luckily for the area I live in, there are umteen other stations that you can fill up at.  

      As I was hanging the "V-Power Only" (because we were out of unleaded), on every pump, I had numerous people asking me if all the pumps were out of gas.  It was one of those times when I wish my wit got the best of me, or I could be a bitch because it's when people ask stupid questions like that that I just wanna pimp slap them.  No, just every pump you want to use is out of gas because they don't like your kind with your Prius with it's ironic vanity license plate.  

    

At least Disney got one thing right...

    Or when we need to bolt one door shut and there is a sign on the door that says Please Use Other Door, and they try valiantly to open said door for 10 seconds before noticing that there is a sign.  Yeah, good job people.  And you wonder why I'm standing there laughing at you.  

I've seen this happen too.

# 3: Everything is Always Your Fault, Even When You Don't Know What You're Being Yelled At For...

    

    It is not my fault that cigarettes are $9.54 a pack at my work.  As a smoker myself, I even think that that price is bullshit.  Can I help it?  No.  It is because I am just a peon.  I do not make the prices.  I just sell the goods.  Cashier is my title.  Can't help you.  Sorry.  

     Now, unfortunately I cannot say that to people when they get into my face because a pack of smokes costs as much as a top shelf shot of liquor.  So when people start yelling at me for it, I have to contain a composure that keeps me from climbing over the counter and smacking the bejesus out of them.

Because this facial expression will get me nowhere...

      Or when we run out of gas, like today, and it is your fault because you are the only person they can blame it on.  Shit happens.  There are some things that cannot be controlled.  How quickly we go through gas is one of them.  Today was an exception because we were a few cents cheaper than across the street which is our biggest competitor.  But yelling at the cashier because the store is out of gas (something they have NO control over fyi) gets you nowhere.  

#2: People Who Drive Off Without Paying

    Very few gas stations nowadays do not require you to prepay before getting gas and it's because of situations like this.  Prepaying for gas eliminates the risk of some tool coming and pumping $70 worth of gas then driving away.  My personal opinion is that if the store will not have a prepay policy, there should be a camera system set up to monitor the pumps because when only one person is on duty, you can't keep tabs on everyone.  Then you get written up for when people drive off.

     Seriously, I understand that prices of gas are becoming atrocious.  But just put in only $5 if that's all you have.  The costs of legal crap you will have to pay out when you get arrested for stealing gasoline is about 15 times more than what you would have paid to fill your tank on empty.  Is it really worth the risk?  Or just take the economical route and bicycle everywhere.

He knows what's up.

    Nobody is honest in this society anymore.  It is very rare that you will find someone who will come back and say, "Hey, I'm sorry I got distracted talking to that person and I forgot to come in and pay you for gas.  Here's my $35.01"  I give a huge applause and express my gratitude to people like that because they just completely went out of their way to fess up to an honest mistake.  Bravo good Samaritan! 

#1: The Gross People

    A few times a week, the local homeless people (or they are just sick, I'm not sure) will come to the store and will dig through the ashtrays for cigarette butts that others have left behind that haven't fully be smoked.  Every time I see them dig for a Marlboro that I smoked a week ago and through into the ashtray, I want to vomit.  The smell of a cigarette relit is enough for me to gag, let alone the thought of smoking a cigarette left by someone who could be carrying AIDS or mouth herpes.  

     But then there are the female customers that come in and will be wearing clothing that makes you wonder what time dimension they woke up in thinking they looked hot going out of the house.  Like this:

This should be illegal...

    Or there are people who come in and buy beer and will sneak them into the back parking lot or even the bathroom and chug a beer before heading back to work.  I mean, one day I went into our bathroom and there were 24 oz cans of Twisted Tea all up in in the ceiling tiles.  Curb your alcoholism people.

    Speaking of bathroom, please think twice before you defecate in a gas station bathroom.  Would you leave your smelly poo just chilling in your toilet bowl at your house?  No, at least I would like to hope not.  There is nothing worse about working at a gas station as a cashier as walking into the only bathroom which is unisex to find a massive pile of dookie just floating in the toilet.  Clean up your shit.  It's not that hard and it's just polite.  

A clean toilet is a happy toilet

   Yes, it does take all kinds to make this lovely little world go round.  I'm not planning to be a gas station attendant forever as stated previously.  But I am always full of interesting stories when it comes to that place.  Although I don't think that any night will be completely epic until I come across this scenario one night.

Would you like fries with that?

T.

The Pinocchio Syndrome: Why My Love Life Is Doomed

    As a female, I can honestly say that women are attracted to certain type of guy based on their particular preference.  Some enjoy the company of the beefcakey man that can squish the smaller guys with their thumb.  Some like the submissive guy that they can just beat the hell out of with their rolling pin for leaving their Heineken on the coffee table without a coaster.
     Then there are those of us who have been cursed with a type that really is a kick in the lady business.  Sometimes it is girls who are attracted to only the bad boys.  And by bad boys, I mean the ones that are in and out of jail every year for some stupid crime.  My cursed type is apparently liars and I have called this awful disease of attracting them, Pinocchio Syndrome.

Thankfully none of my Pinocchios had a boner as a nose.

      Symptoms of the Pinocchio Syndrome are easy to pinpoint.  If you have dated three or more liars consecutively since you began dating and just can't escape them, you have it.  It happens to a lot more women than we would like to think.  Although it is probably better to be lied to about whether or not your boyfriend gave your dad your laptop and told him it was his (true story), than date a crazed psychopath like Charlie Sheen.

Losing!!!

      A little white lie here and there that is innocent enough to the point where when you find out the truth, you won't be pissed is one thing.  For example, your man says he took out the garbage three hours ago but when you see he didn't his excuse was that he got tied up watching the game.  He was really watching Skinamax and playing with himself, just to let you know.  

       Detection can be very difficult.  If the man has the perfect amount of swagger and you are just naive enough to fall for his bullshit games, it is very easy to be fooled.  I am that naive girl.   I will believe everything and anything until I catch you lying to me once.  Which is a lot better than what I used to be.  I spent three years with a Pinocchio and almost married him because I just kept letting it brush off my shoulder.  Now you get three strike outs with me.  If you fess up to lying to me, then you will be saved but if I catch you lie to me three times over something major, you'll be lucky if I don't use your balls as an example trophy. 

It will be kinda like this, only not pixelized for viewer's protection.

         It really isn't that hard to tell the truth, men I promise.  Stop lying to women, because women are crazy and before you know it, you're junk will end up like the above pictures.  Most women are very low maintenance in ground rules.  Definitely don't cheat on them, and just be honest.  

      I tell you, my awesome fanbase, if I keep attracting these douchebags and they don't change I may just give up all together.  I have enough conceited confidence in myself to know that I can snag a guy.  But I want to find the right guy.  Life is too short to waste time on assholes.  

     But this particular article was to moreso prove a point than entertain.  But an actual normal article will be up tomorrow night.  And remember ladies, Pinocchio Syndrome is treatable regardless of how undetectable it is in the beginning.  You don't wanna end up with this cake after marrying a Pinocchio.

"Last one standing gets the Megamillions"

T.